Kaila called me yesterday to ask what my hobbies are because she feels that she is having a hard time identifying herself outside of her kids. (This is all a little funny because Kaila is a fantastic singer and cold make a professional career from it but right now is taking a break because of being pregnant and not feeling well. And she also has become a good photographer and cook which didn't come from her upbringing). Her husband has a lot of hobbies, like boating, jet skiing, model airplane flying, ATVing, etc and she doesn't necessarily share those same interests or just realizes that with kids it's difficult to have these time and money consuming hobbies. I think it's hard to feel like your identity is your kids. I also think it's not healthy--for the kids or the mother. This is a topic I have struggled with somewhat on and off. Viki and I have chatted about whether it's important to have similar hobbies with your spouse. Viki and Greg took up bow hunting to have a time together activity, which I think it great. I've talked to others about this and Jann Powell mentioned that she didn't think it is that important to have similar hobbies with your spouse, she thinks that she and Andy have pretty differing hobbies and that's okay. So there's the pretext and the question is, how do I identify myself and are there (do there need to be) hobbies I share with my spouse that help identify us together. And is this even all that important or can they have their seasons.
I don't have the answer. I'm hoping some of you do. If I were to list my hobbies, some of them would be things I often do and on the whole enjoy doing like reading, walking, music (playing, singing, listening), cooking, dreaming (I love dreaming), talking, making lists on how I can do better (something I'm really good at, and a reason why I want to change my blog name to good intentions), swimming, keeping up on current events etc. These are all things I can do without much planning or worrying about the kids because they can be at my side (or in front of the tv, whatever). There are somethings I would consider hobbies although I don't do them often but I really enjoy (and so does Daniel) such as skiing, boating, snowmobiling, scuba diving, travelling and so forth. Whether these hobbies identify me I don't know (I don't even know if really I want them to). I do think it's important to have things you enjoy doing outside the immediate family responsibilities. To have time that is yours is revitalizing and even necessary to being a good mother (the church backs this idea too). I also think that as a couple to have meaningful time together that you both enjoy (not talking just sex) is a really healthy thing. Often for me and Daniel the whole family is included when we travel or go boating or biking but several times it has just been the two of us. Lisa is a strong proponent of a yearly couples vacation. She says it has to be longer than 2 days because for the first 24 hours her mind is still at home, worrying and wondering. When Daniel and I went to Bali I think I cried the whole flight there just worrying that the kids would be traumatized at my absence. But it was a great trip, and really good that we had that "reacquainting" time together.
There are for sure days where I feel that I'm lost as an individual--everything is about the kids (especially when my kids were younger). But that's okay, so long as there is a break from it and you get some "refresh" time. I think if finding out what to do with the "you" time is a question, just get some rest and dream about it. So many great ideas can come in dreams.
4 comments:
This post really nmade me think. I honestly think that the hobbies together thing was more of a back-up so that when the kids are all older/gone we won't drive each other crazy. No garantees(sp?)on that one though. I know that besides the gospel and our kids we don't have much else in common (personality wise or even in our likes/tastes,etc.) But - it's O.K. and we try to be there for each other emotionally and I feel like that is what counts.
P.S. With the picture and the title I was initially afraid it was going to be a post on gender identity. Phew! =)
I feel so strongly about this one. One time I went scrapbooking & this ladies husband was there leaning over our shoulders giving us advice. weird. Some hobbies can't be shared. However, Dale really gets excited when I pay attention to an LSU game. I think you can easily become 2 ships passing through if you don't have things that you like to do together. Date night. That being said, I really get bothered when women feel like they can't do anything for themselves. It's mandatory....the kids will learn to then take better care of themselves, husbands learn to cook dinner & care for the children that they sired & mom's are overall happier. Whew!! Sorry.
Well, Noah and I will have 5 days away from Gabby and Alex (Oliver will be too little to leave with anyone)when we go house hunting in Indiana. I'm hoping to find a good group of friends out there--Utah is hard (we've talked about this) because most people, including me, have family here so there's no real need to make friends. I think that's what I'm lacking the more I think about it. Yeah, I've got hobbies I guess (most of which I have to put on hold because they cost money) but there is something about having girl time where you can share the frustrations your husband just doesn't understand (i.e. "I'd love staying home all day if I could").
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